Archives for posts with tag: Worries


Almost exactly a year ago I started a journal about my IVF journey, on Blipfoto.

The most important thing that I wanted to do was to be honest – to be 100% honest with myself and by extension my readers about everything that happened as it happened, and how I felt about it. I didn’t want to hide anything, or sugar-coat it. I knew there would be ups and downs and I knew that I’d write things that might seem difficult for the outsider to understand because they might appear contradictory or unreasonable. But I thought that if I shared my feelings there might be people out there that felt less isolated for knowing they were not alone in this experience, and there might be people who can learn a bit about what the process is like and learn from my experience to enable them to show compassion for others in their lives going through a similar thing.

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I woke up this morning feeling completely overwhelmed.

Today is 6th January, the day people go back to work after Christmas.

Everyone told me I’d be better by now, that the nausea would have improved by week 12 and be better by week 14.  I didn’t believe them, and I was right, but I take no pleasure in that.  I would have loved to have been proved wrong.  I planned for me to have been proved wrong.  I’ve agreed to do work during this trimester.  I’ve made commitments.

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So the 12 week scan is tomorrow.  I’d like to be excited, but I’m not.  I’m nervous.  I’m scared all won’t be well.  I’m scared of a silent miscarriage, that there’s no baby in there.

However having had a scan at six weeks I do know that as soon as you see the thing you are looking for on-screen the feelings quickly go from terrified to delighted.  So let’s hope for more of that.

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So I think these new prochlorperazine drugs are the ones, I do feel better on these than anything else so far.

They are an interesting drug – you can take them for dizziness (up to 30mg/day), nausea (up to 30mg/day), anxiety (up to 40mg/day) and schizophrenia (up to 100mg/day).

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So the husband and I decided to take a couple of nights away in fancy hotels (thanks daily deals sites!) because I felt a bit less sick and could manage a quiet road trip.  Off we headed towards deepest darkest Scotland.

At lunchtime we reached the edge of deepest darkest Scotland and stopped for lunch at a Loch-side pub.  I’m still off food, but chose potato skins and when they came I ate them.

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A bit from the husband today:

Sitting in the hospital a week ago today I saw my baby on ultrasound for the first time, and watched a tiny heartbeat. I cried with happiness and relief. I wish I could have bottled that feeling!

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A bit of a scary moment last night around 9.30pm, though hopefully a scary moment is all it was.

Went to the toilet, and found I’d bled. I wasn’t ‘bleeding’ though – it had come out of me, but no more was coming. I hadn’t felt it come out, and hadn’t noticed feeling physically different. But there it was. It was a brownish colour, and perhaps a stain the size of a tea light. Bigger than ‘spotting’ but smaller than a period. But I was worried, I thought that was probably the start of a deluge and that the pregnancy was over. I didn’t freak out, I didn’t tell my mum (still at her house), I just thought ‘huh, that’s shitty’. But later I phoned the husband and we were both a bit sad about it. We did some internet research and there was plenty stories out there about pregnant women (IVF and otherwise) that bled bucketsful and things turned out to be fine. This gave us some hope… but… urgh.

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The husband had some more things to say today…

Being in the “2 week wait” is always a bit of a limbo. There’s nothing more to do – we just have to wait for the pregnancy test.

I’m coping with this one less well than the last two times.

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“The odds are in my favour, man” (Don’t break the rules, Catch me if you can)

So at the moment I’m ‘Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise’ – that’s pretty cool. We had such a wonderful positive experience at the frozen embryo transfer yesterday that I have even been feeling quite hopeful. It was so good to have the embryologist say that in her professional opinion it is unlucky that we’ve not succeeded with the IVF yet and that it is very likely that we’ll see success soon. This time, hopefully.

I used to know about statistics. I have an A Level in Maths and an AS Level in Further Maths. My job has a statistical component. But I’ve forgotten much of what I used to know and the stats around this IVF stuff are rather complex.

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As I’m now undertaking my third attempt at IVF within a calendar year I’ve been thinking about how IVF and work fit together.

A lot of women work when they are doing IVF.  Not all of course, I have heard of plenty who have never worked or who give up work to try and get pregnant.  But the IVF clinic has everything set up to be convenient for working women.  The vast majority of the appointments are between 8am and 9.30am with the intention of women being able to drop in before they go to the office.

I’m a self employed consultant, I work mainly from home on short term overlapping contracts.  It is a strategic job and I am experienced, so I would be pretty high up if I was doing the same thing in a bigger company.  In many ways this is a great way to live my life.  I love my job, I’m in control of my own destiny, I can work as much or little as I want, and should I be lucky enough to have a baby I will be able to ramp the work up and down to suit my childcare needs.

But how does this fit in with IVF?

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