Archives for posts with tag: Residual infertility


Almost exactly a year ago I started a journal about my IVF journey, on Blipfoto.

The most important thing that I wanted to do was to be honest – to be 100% honest with myself and by extension my readers about everything that happened as it happened, and how I felt about it. I didn’t want to hide anything, or sugar-coat it. I knew there would be ups and downs and I knew that I’d write things that might seem difficult for the outsider to understand because they might appear contradictory or unreasonable. But I thought that if I shared my feelings there might be people out there that felt less isolated for knowing they were not alone in this experience, and there might be people who can learn a bit about what the process is like and learn from my experience to enable them to show compassion for others in their lives going through a similar thing.

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Today the husband and I went up to John Lewis to look at all the baby things, to try and get ourselves into the mindset that in six months’ time we will have a baby.  We enjoyed looking at all of the things, many of them adorable.  We were surprised how reasonably priced a lot of the furniture and so on was and we’ll look at buying some of that soon.  We picked up some helpful leaflets outlining the things we might need.

A lot of the baby clothes were very gendered, and we’re not keen on that sort of thing.

But we did find and buy one cute gender-neutral outfit.

The husband thinks it looks tiny, but I look at it and wonder how I will grow something as big as that inside me and then push it out!

Either way it makes me smile to look at it.


I think I feel better on this new drug combination.  I realise it should be easy to say if I feel better, but so far it is ‘different’ but I think it is different in a better way.  Now I’m advised that the newly introduced drug (metoclopeamide) acts to move stuff through the stomach quickly and does something to the brain to stop signals of nausea.  I can certainly feel it moving things through – not in a gross ‘bowel evacuation’ sense, but I can feel my stomach rumbling and I feel hungry quite a lot of the time.  Now previously being hungry would be strongly associated with nausea, so the thing about this new combo is I think I need to be chucking a normal amount of food in quite regularly and ignoring the hunger pangs and not assuming I feel sick because I feel hungry. Read the rest of this entry »


During my years trying to conceive and doing IVF, it became increasingly difficult to find out that friends were pregnant.  Facebook was a particular issue, with unexpected 12 week scan photos and birth announcements popping up and slapping me in the face.  I eventually identified that the problem was not the new baby in itself – I wanted a baby so I could understand why others were excited about getting a baby.  No, it was the element of surprise.  The fact that I thought these women were the same as me (i.e. not pregnant) and it turns out they weren’t.  Instead, for two to eight months they’d been pregnant and not said.  I get that, I get why people don’t say until they are sure or feel ready to share.  But finding out someone had crossed over to the dark side was always a painful reminder that I hadn’t and couldn’t.  And the thought of them having held the beautiful and glorious secret for a number of months just made the news ten times harder to hear. Read the rest of this entry »


So the 12 week scan is tomorrow.  I’d like to be excited, but I’m not.  I’m nervous.  I’m scared all won’t be well.  I’m scared of a silent miscarriage, that there’s no baby in there.

However having had a scan at six weeks I do know that as soon as you see the thing you are looking for on-screen the feelings quickly go from terrified to delighted.  So let’s hope for more of that.

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The first midwife appointment was today.  The husband and I dithered a bit over whether he should come.  I asked two friends for advice.  One said he should come to show he is supportive, to meet the midwife, and to give his medical history.  One said he shouldn’t bother as it is a long appointment which he will be barely involved with.  We went with yes, to show willing and because I have been so ill that he wants to be more involved with my care than usual.

So well, it was OK.  I liked the midwife enough, she seemed very nice.  But the appointment was confusing and it is a good job I already knew what to expect and how the system works because all of that wasn’t explained.  She didn’t even explain what a midwife was and what her role would be, for example.

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A bit from the husband today:

Sitting in the hospital a week ago today I saw my baby on ultrasound for the first time, and watched a tiny heartbeat. I cried with happiness and relief. I wish I could have bottled that feeling!

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Our friends have had a baby, so of course we wanted to buy him something cute to wear.  After a tour round old staples Boots and TK Maxx we were still gift-less, so we ventured into Mamas & Papas.

Eek.  That’s new.  Let me assure you that as an infertile this is a shop I avoided like the plague.

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