Archives for posts with tag: How other people hurt me


Today cycle three of IVF started properly as I am now on the IVF drugs. This will be a thaw cycle, using a frozen embryo the husband and I made in March.

The first type of drug to be taken is a down-regulator to stop ovulation and simulate the menopause. This is because they don’t want any eggs floating about, they want to keep it all clear for the pre-prepared embryo. Previously I’ve taken these down-regging drugs by self-administered daily injection, but this time I’m trying it a new way.

So I set off for the clinic at 8.30am for a 10am appointment, and arrived ten minutes early. It was so quick, I was taken in straight away and was out again by 10am.

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“Jellicle cats are white and black
Jellicle cats are of moderate size
Jellicles jump like a jumping jack
Jellicle cats have moonlit eyes” (The jellicle ball, Cats)

The husband and I got a cat together quite soon after we moved in together.

People said ‘oooh it’ll be a baby next’ – but it wasn’t, despite our best attempts.

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I had my infertility counselling session today, as usual notable for being an inconvenient half day out of the office due to being mid morning and more than an hour away from my house. Which is an even worse journey during Edinburgh Festival Fringe time.

Second time with the legend that is my new counsellor. I was glad to see her again as my existing counsellor is winding down to a bit of time off work, plus the new counsellor has in one session totally sorted my head out around my feelings of failure and I’ve not felt so good in a long time.

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This weekend I’ve been away at the Rewind 80s music festival.  I went completely off-grid for four days.  It was awesome.  I’ve been glad to have this in my diary to look forward to and that has helped me stay positive and get through the last negative result and get on with normal life.

I am finding things fine at the moment and am expecting to be able to check in for my next cycle within the week.

But I’m not one for counting my blessings.  Sorry, it’s not my way. 

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“Offer IVF treatment to women with unexplained infertility who have not conceived after 2 years.” (NICE Guidelines, Assessment and treatment for people with fertility problems)

“Couples who experience problems in conceiving should be seen together because both partners are affected by decisions surrounding investigation and treatment.” (NICE Guidelines, Assessment and treatment for people with fertility problems)

I wrote a bit the other day about how our IVF clinic presents what they do as female-centric and functional, and how the husband and I have absorbed that. I’ve been going to the appointments and so on without the husband for the most part, and this seems to be the norm at our clinic.

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After 22 days I have now used up two bottles of this drug which I inject myself with daily, so that’s good. They gave me three bottles. Hopefully that means I’m nearly there with this but as mentioned last week it is a bit uncertain. I feel quite good now though. Tired still, but more myself.

So here’s something that crossed my mind the other day.

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There’s a lot of chat going on at the moment around equal marriage for same sex couples, and one of the points that often gets brought up when people speak against equal marriage is that same sex couples can’t naturally reproduce together and therefore should not be allowed to get married.

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I find Facebook to be a huge pain in the ass infertility-wise, and from my fertility counsellor I know this to be a common issue for infertile people. Facebook is chock-full of 12 week scans and mummy memes and hilarious and touching tales of the exploits of the young children of my friends. But as I’ve talked about before, there’s nothing to be done but to man up and get on with it otherwise I’d be friendless as well as babyless. At least I get to choose my Facebook friends, and the things that I sign up to see on my feed.

Or do I?

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But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame… (I dreamed a dream, Les Miserables)

Last night I dreamed that my friend was pregnant, and that she was very sick. Vomiting, fever, we had to call an ambulance. When I woke up I was horrified with myself. Did my subconscious want pregnant people to die?

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You might recall that I have been lucky enough to get free specialist fertility counselling at the IVF clinic, and that they are really flexible about how the service is used.

I last went along a week or so after our failed IVF, and then made an appointment for four weeks later. Which was today! Actually time has flown, which is great. 

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