Archives for the month of: December, 2013


Letter sent to midwife service last week….

Dear Midwife service,

Having reviewed the medical notes in my blue folder, I feel that an important part of my pregnancy experience which may have ongoing consequences has not been represented.

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I’ve had a significant improvement over the last few days, and am now eating a fairly normal amount of food. I think I’m less tired, which means I can cope with the nausea better and the nausea is generally less severe. This meant Christmas went OK, better than I expected. I tried not taking the pills one morning, but it turns out I do still need those.

Despite the improvement I still don’t feel brilliant, still not normal, which is hugely frustrating. Yesterday I did three activities (lunch out, short walk, grocery shopping – great!) but then was wiped out and went to bed at 9.30pm. This remains genuinely depressing, I’m finding it hard to cope mentally with remaining so far from normal life for so long.

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So an update on how this pregnancy malarkey is going.

Yesterday I was sick for the first time during my pregnancy.  As you know I’ve felt sick a lot of the time but never actually been sick yet, so that’s new.  And weird to start at a time when it is supposed to be easing off.  It is the tooth brushing that did it. The last week or so brushing my teeth has made me feel close to sick but I’ve just assumed that I wouldn’t be as I haven’t been before.  It isn’t the gagging or the brush in my mouth, I think it is the build-up of froth in my mouth – they do say you produce more saliva when pregnant.  I’ve tried spitting some out but yesterday it was just too much.  I tried sitting down then lying down to ease the vommy feeling but no, I clearly needed to actually vomit.  So I did.  Urgh.

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During my years trying to conceive and doing IVF, it became increasingly difficult to find out that friends were pregnant.  Facebook was a particular issue, with unexpected 12 week scan photos and birth announcements popping up and slapping me in the face.  I eventually identified that the problem was not the new baby in itself – I wanted a baby so I could understand why others were excited about getting a baby.  No, it was the element of surprise.  The fact that I thought these women were the same as me (i.e. not pregnant) and it turns out they weren’t.  Instead, for two to eight months they’d been pregnant and not said.  I get that, I get why people don’t say until they are sure or feel ready to share.  But finding out someone had crossed over to the dark side was always a painful reminder that I hadn’t and couldn’t.  And the thought of them having held the beautiful and glorious secret for a number of months just made the news ten times harder to hear. Read the rest of this entry »


It is good news, there’s a live and kicking baby in there.

I was nervous this morning, and woke at 8am – much earlier than planned.  So I spent the morning watching TV and feeling nervous.  One hour before the scan, as specified in the appointment letter, I had a wee then drank one litre of water.  Then the husband and I headed off to the hospital where our scan would take place.

When we got there it was quiet and we were the only ones in the waiting room, then another five sets of people turned up.  We all waited a bit.  There was loads of notices up – an unusually high number of notices – asking us to make sure we sign in before sitting down, and asking us to give a £1 donation if we want a print out of our scan.  Several of each notice.

Just about everyone got called in at the same time, maybe five minutes late so not too bad.

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So the 12 week scan is tomorrow.  I’d like to be excited, but I’m not.  I’m nervous.  I’m scared all won’t be well.  I’m scared of a silent miscarriage, that there’s no baby in there.

However having had a scan at six weeks I do know that as soon as you see the thing you are looking for on-screen the feelings quickly go from terrified to delighted.  So let’s hope for more of that.

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Those that have followed my blog for a while will know how serious I am about my work.  How it is part of me, how I want to do it, how I enjoy doing it.  I’ve not really taken any time off work to do three cycles of IVF, and even when my Dad died I still did bits and pieces of work amongst the grieving.

You see for me, work is a coping strategy.  It gives me pleasure to do a job well, I like the people-contact, I get small victories and achievements that make me feel good about myself.  In the big list of things that I let go of under pressure, work is (deliberately) towards the end of the list.

So it has been a really really tough challenge for me to be so sick with this pregnancy nausea to have to pretty much give up work for a couple of months.

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Went to the dentist today for my regular six-monthly check up.  In Scotland dental care is free if you are pregnant, so it was slightly exciting to be able to tick a new box on the form today – the ‘I’m expecting a baby’ box.

On the other hand, it feels a bit weird telling randoms that I’m pregnant when I’ve so far only told a handful of my friends and family.

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So I think these new prochlorperazine drugs are the ones, I do feel better on these than anything else so far.

They are an interesting drug – you can take them for dizziness (up to 30mg/day), nausea (up to 30mg/day), anxiety (up to 40mg/day) and schizophrenia (up to 100mg/day).

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A few weeks back I got a letter inviting me to Jury service. I’d be quite keen to do it, and have never got the call before. You have to return a letter saying when you are unavailable in the next year so I returned the letter and as a long list of options didn’t apply I checked other (specify) and wrote in that I’d like to be excused after June 2014 as I was expecting a baby in July.

Got this rather inaccurate letter in response today…