2013-11-21

A bit from the husband today:

Sitting in the hospital a week ago today I saw my baby on ultrasound for the first time, and watched a tiny heartbeat. I cried with happiness and relief. I wish I could have bottled that feeling!

Since then my lovely wife has been so sick for almost the whole time that it’s been pretty hard. I miss her company, and although I’m not really worried for her health I am certainly worried for her wellbeing. The nice part of it is that I can nursemaid her – it makes me feel at least slightly useful!

The “residual infertility” thing she mentioned a few days ago is also still there. I’m so used to every bit of hope or good news related to fertility and pregnancy being followed by bad that I’m almost expecting something to go wrong. Sitting on the train this morning reading the pack sent by the hospital about screening for various potential problems hasn’t really helped – it’s clear and informative but it gives shape to my fears.

I know every expectant parent has worries, but I feel that infertility has established a pattern that exaggerates them. This “residual infertility” makes me resent the experience of infertility more than ever.

Apart from a vague sense of foreboding, I feel surprisingly ready in other ways. I’m sure becoming a parent will be hard and will be a shock to the system, but I’m not afraid of the “normal” side of parenting at all – that feels more like an exciting challenge.

Hopefully the medication and some time off this weekend will help my lovely wife feel better soon.

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