A bit of a scary moment last night around 9.30pm, though hopefully a scary moment is all it was.

Went to the toilet, and found I’d bled. I wasn’t ‘bleeding’ though – it had come out of me, but no more was coming. I hadn’t felt it come out, and hadn’t noticed feeling physically different. But there it was. It was a brownish colour, and perhaps a stain the size of a tea light. Bigger than ‘spotting’ but smaller than a period. But I was worried, I thought that was probably the start of a deluge and that the pregnancy was over. I didn’t freak out, I didn’t tell my mum (still at her house), I just thought ‘huh, that’s shitty’. But later I phoned the husband and we were both a bit sad about it. We did some internet research and there was plenty stories out there about pregnant women (IVF and otherwise) that bled bucketsful and things turned out to be fine. This gave us some hope… but… urgh.

Felt a bit low. Didn’t need any more bad news. Was worried they’d need me to come into the clinic and I was nowhere near Edinburgh. It was quite overwhelming. Luckily I was exhausted and was able to sleep.

The good thing was, when I got up in the morning I hadn’t bled any more. Just that initial blob of blood. And I still felt sick, I thought that was probably a good sign.

So the IVF clinic opened at 8am and I gave them a ring then (and a few times more), but they didn’t call me back until 9.45am. That was the worst bit really. Waiting for that when I knew they were there but just too busy to talk to me. As the husband said later, this is the one time when my reaction to a situation was probably the same as anyone’s would be. I was scared and I wanted reassurance.

Well reassurance is what they gave me. I spoke to a nurse, who had already spoken to a doctor about my situation. She felt that I didn’t need to be unduly worried, because:

– it was a relatively small amount
– it was not a continuous flow
– it was not accompanied by pain or cramping
– it wasn’t new blood (which would be bright red)

She said some people bleed a bit.

She also said that there was nothing they could do – that an isolated blood test wouldn’t tell them anything, and that it was too soon for an ultrasound. But she said that for my peace of mind they could do an ultrasound at six weeks to check that the egg sac is developing, so that could be done next week. A bit problematic as it is my Dad’s funeral next week but they seemed to be saying they’d squeeze me in when it suited me.

Of the stories I’ve seen online, it looks like some people have bits of bleeds because they have pockets of old blood or scabs in their womb that are kicked out by the developing pregnancy. Particularly in IVF when they are constantly shoving things up your cervix… and as it looked to me like I’d just had a brief and isolated fall of blood (like popping a blood blister) this does seem like a possibility. Hopefully it is that.

So I feel alright about it I suppose. More positive now, less worried about what has happened already. But I’m paranoid now that I will bleed more. Every time I go to the toilet I expect more blood. As the progesterone drips out of me (ick) I worry it is blood. If I have a little twinge I think it might turn into a cramp.

I know that anyone who is pregnant would find this scary, would be the same. It’s not that there is more to lose for me or even that it has taken me this long to get here, that’s not it. But there is something about the IVF – the knowledge that I can’t just get pregnant again whenever I want if this doesn’t work out.

Wait and see I guess. Fingers crossed.