2013-10-25

I was at a black tie dinner last night and due to little Kipling being within me I had to stay off the booze.  I got away with it for a bit drinking some pink juice they were handing out that looked like rose wine, but it because conspicuous when I refused ‘red or white’ at the table. My friend questioned me, and I revealed all to her.

So there’s progress, I didn’t mind talking about IVF to her and answering her questions.  She was so kind and protective of my feelings, and I was interested to note that I didn’t really need that.  These days I can be matter of fact about IVF.  I could also see in her eyes how awful she felt for me, and I realised that I didn’t feel as bad myself as she felt on my behalf.  That was a bit of a revelation!

Even in the two week wait, days before the test, I feel more positive about infertility than I have in years.  This isn’t about optimism for a positive result it is that I’ve moved on past beating myself up about failure and feeling embarrassed about the whole thing and now I can just see it as ‘it is what it is’.  I’m not saying I feel brilliant all of the time.  Sometimes I feel pissed off or sad.  But that’s normal, IVF is a challenging thing to do with ups and downs.  The difference is I am no longer consumed by it, I am now feeling my feelings and then moving past them.

As it happens I do feel optimistic this time.  I think I feel different, I think I feel physically crappier at this point than I have before and I hope that is a good sign.  I’m also well aware that it is hard to know anything because my hormones are synthetic, and because even if I’m still pregnant now I might not be tomorrow or next week.

The day of the pregnancy test is almost upon us.  If it wasn’t a Saturday I could go in for the blood test tomorrow.  I’ll do a home test probably Sunday as it will be as accurate then as it would be for a non-IVF woman whose period is late.  I’m prepared for the result to be a yes or a no.  50/50, toss of a coin, could go either way.  It’s out of my hands.

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