When the embryologist went to thaw out our embryo on Thursday, we lost one in the process.

This is normal – only 85% survive the thaw.  Blastocysts (five day old embryos) are relatively big and expanded groups of cells and ours were graded 4 and 5 which means they were plenty expanded.  When you freeze them the ice goes inside the cells, so when you thaw them you can have trouble getting all of the ice out.  They can crack, and become unviable.  That’s what happened to the first one of ours that they tried to thaw this time, so they discarded it.

I feel totally fine about having lost one.  I don’t consider it a baby and I don’t grieve for it, I’m not worried about having one fewer in the pot for next time.

We still have four in the freezer.

Maybe I don’t need to worry because we have loads left so we are nowhere near the end of the road.  Maybe I suspect any embryo that didn’t survive the thaw was a weak one and not worth bothering with anyway.  Maybe I don’t mind that it brings the end of the road – and closure – closer.  Maybe I just get the odds and was prepared to lose a couple along the way.

I’m delighted to get three cycles out of one fresh round.  Any more is a bonus.  Actually, any more than one cycle is a bonus.

But I’m quite surprised at how matter of fact I feel about this.

We might not need any of the remaining frozen ones anyway if this go works.