2013-07-24

A bit from the husband today…

“I haven’t written anything for BabyMaybe for a while. My wife is so eloquent, and so thorough, it doesn’t leave me a lot to say. There are some things though that I should try to share.

I am SO SO proud of my wife. I am so proud of my wife you can’t even begin to imagine. She has coped so well with going through this cycle. I’m not proud of her for being strong. She is strong, but we all have the strength that we have. I’m proud of her for how well she knows and understands herself, and how well she has managed herself through the process. She has set her own expectations, helped me understand what she needs, and set herself up to deal with expected problems. She has scheduled her life, as much as is possible, to make this as easy on herself.

This is why some things about the process are so frustrating. I don’t feel that the medical professionals we are dealing with respect her needs. She just needs to know what the process is and what will happen when. That has been made SO difficult by people randomly throwing in extra drugs, random delays and different timing that we hadn’t had properly explained. Cancelled counselling appointments and the general unavailability of the counsellor haven’t helped either. This could have been so much easier for such a tiny effort on the part of the staff to just keep us informed… I am so glad she has coped anyway, but SO angry that it is in spite of rather than with the support of the system. I feel like people who DON’T cope well and obviously have a breakdown of some sort are well understood, but someone trying to manage themselves to avoid that isn’t.

It’s also frustrating for me how much this is about her. WE have unexplained infertility. She doesn’t. I don’t. WE DO. As she has so eloquently explained that isn’t how we are treated by the medical profession. It puts pressure on her – she has to pass everything on to me. That’s a big responsibility for her. It disenfranchises me. I don’t get any information first hand. I’m made to feel like an observer rather than a participant in what will, one way or another, be one of the most important processes in my life.

IVF is an isolating process – at least for me. It’s not just the observer thing – it’s difficult with friends too. Conception should be a really private thing – at least that’s the convention. Most people don’t tell their friends they are trying. Most of my friends frankly seem to be finding it easy. So I feel that IVF is the same and I shouldn’t talk about it. Partly because of convention, partly because I don’t want pity if it doesn’t work, partly because I find it difficult to talk about. So I have something major, complicated and difficult going on in my life and I don’t find it easy to talk about to my friends. That’s not to say I haven’t talked about it at all, just that it’s not easy.

We’re back in the “between IVFs” limbo for a while. Wish us luck.”

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