There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment’s not the last
There’s only us
There’s only this
Forget regret or life is yours to miss  (Finale B, Rent)

We had a power cut yesterday and I had to reset my alarm clock.  I suddenly had an ‘eek’ moment at 2am when I realised my clock was on pm which would have meant that my alarm would not have gone off.  Crisis averted and I was at the IVF clinic before 9am.

Today was the blood test, checking if I’m pregnant.  I felt alright.  Much less scared and freaked out with anticipation than last time.  Having done a test already really takes the edge off it.

The nurse today was the one that I had for the embryo transfer, she’s very nice.  I told her that I had had a negative test on Sunday and she said it might not be the true result and sometimes people still got positives after a negative.  I asked her if I was likely to have had my period by now and she said no, I wouldn’t have that on progesterone.  I told her I had last time – that threw her.  She then attempted to take my blood twice, and failed, so went to get another nurse.  It crossed my mind that my body doesn’t want to me to get the results and was resisting, that amused me.

The next nurse was the one who was so helpful after we spoke to the consultant following our negative outcome last time.  She’s great, out of everyone at the IVF clinic I feel she listens to me and does her best to act based on my personal needs, so is closer to ‘getting’ me than all the rest.  I told her about the negative result and she just nodded, sagely.  We then spoke about what would happen if it was negative.  The consultant had said that there was no need to wait between frozen cycles, and the nurse (who as it happens is in charge of the waiting list) said that they could fit me in for September, so if it was negative I should call in with my August period.  That’s a very positive outcome for me, less waiting than last time.  She got the blood out first time.

Regarding reactions to my home pregnancy test result, I personally much prefer the more pragmatic approach taken by the second nurse rather than the ‘false hope’ / overly optimistic approach taken by the first.  I like to examine the stats, consider the range of likely outcomes, and prepare myself for outcomes within this range.  Which includes preparing myself for the worst, the best, and other possibilities in between – with most preparation time being concentrated on the likely outcome.  So in this case I was most prepared for a no.  I see this as realistic, but other people do seem to find my approach a bit negative.  They would rather not waste time on things in advance, cross that bridge when they come to it.  Well I think it is a viable coping strategy for me, so I wish they’d stop trying to turn me!

Anyhow, as I say the blood test day was much much easier this time than last time – because I’d taken steps to manage it in a way that works for me.

So, I went home to wait.  The first nurse said call in at 2pm, then 1pm, then the second nurse said call in at 12.30pm.  I went with 12.30pm.

Phoned in, they answered straight away, they had the results to hand, it was a negative.

Bye bye little Puffling .

It was fine.  No desperate optimism only to be dashed, no racing heart, no crying at hearing the outcome.

After the first time this became a process, and this try was part of a process.  I know I am playing the long game.  If I don’t see each try as an isolated event each negative doesn’t feel like failure in the same way, I’m just keeping going until I get there and I know it often takes a few goes. God I wish it had worked, I wish the process had been cut short and that it had worked this time.  I wish I was one of the lucky ones for whom it worked first time.  I want to be pregnant.  I want to move on.  I cannot be arsed with the endlessness of it.  But I’m not done yet.

So for now… stop the drugs and back to the drudgery of infertility.

I’m having a duvet day, and maybe later I’ll go swimming.