2013-07-21

I’d like to choose how I hear the news.
Take me to a park that’s covered with trees.
Tell me on a Sunday please. (Tell me on a Sunday, Tell me on a Sunday)

So there you have it, not pregnant.

I didn’t sleep too well and was desperate for a wee by 8am so having checked my period hadn’t started I woke the husband (as requested!) and took the home pregnancy test. We put it between us on the bed, upside down. I turned it over but it wasn’t ready. The second time there was a result. Not the one we wanted.

I must have been hopeful, because I was thinking about what it would be like if it was positive for the first time ever. But when it was negative I wasn’t surprised. Just resigned to it being a negative, after all of the negatives I’ve had before.

Yesterday felt weird, I didn’t like waiting for the result. Initially today I was relieved to know, I felt good to be able to understand what the next part of my life would be like. But now I wish it was yesterday again when there was still a bit of hope.

Saying that, it was much, much, much easier finding out this way than waiting for the blood test was last time. Minimal waiting, no phone call, and I didn’t have to break the news to the husband myself.

I’m disappointed but I haven’t cried. I’m frustrated that this was all for nothing and that I’ll have to do it again. I wish I knew why it hadn’t worked and if there is a chance that it will ever work, but I know I won’t get any answers and that there is no point in asking. I feel like one step closer towards acknowledging that I will not be able to have a child myself.

But I’m not done with IVF yet, I’ll be having at least one more go as soon as they’ll let me. Maybe more, if necessary.

Consequently I’m glad that the NHS is paying for this and not me. And I feel conflicted about that.

This cycle isn’t definitely game over, these tests are not always right and it will need to be confirmed by a blood test on Tuesday, but it is most likely game over.

Until then I’ll just keep taking the drugs. And my period still hasn’t started. But I’m not hopeful of a positive result this time.

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