Here’s all the IVF drugs I’m taking each day at the moment: Buserlin (injection, day 27), folic acid (beige pill) and HRT (blue pills, day 13). I take them all in one go, in the morning.

I should be in my infertility counselling session now, the one I booked 29 days ago. The one I booked for this point because I expected the long spell on the drugs to be getting to me. But I’m not at that session, as it was cancelled yesterday. The counsellor has a medical appointment.

I do understand. If you want to stick with one counsellor these things happen.

She offered me another session either at 1pm today, or on 17th (in two weeks). I can’t do 1pm today (something that has been in my diary for months, I couldn’t even have booked that 29 days ago) but two weeks seems so far away. That’s the deal on the table though, because that’s the choice you get at short notice. Which is frustrating given I booked four weeks ago.

Really, I needed to see the counsellor early this week, or not for a few weeks. I’ll hopefully find out tomorrow when my embryo transfer is. If the embryo transfer is next week I think that’ll perk me right up, so I’ll leave my next appointment until soon after the pregnancy test in case it comes up negative. If I have to wait ages for the embryo transfer I might need an interim appointment.

So I told the counsellor I’d wait to book the next appointment until I came in for my scan on Thursday when I would have a better idea of when my embryo transfer would be.

The counsellor asked if I’d like a telephone appointment this week, and I said no. I just don’t want that, that is not how I feel comfortable consuming my counselling. The face-to-face part is important to me.

So I’m left without, which isn’t great especially due to having a minor meltdown at the weekend. Actually I feel back to alright now, but during said meltdown it had been comforting to know that I had a counselling appointment coming up. Which is the point of them for me – they are my safety net, just in case. But perhaps it has done its job without needing to actually come to pass. Or perhaps it is having the monthly appointments that keeps me vaguely sane so it is bad to have to miss one.

I was quite meek, I just said whatever, fine, thanks for letting me know. I felt annoyed and let down but I didn’t really see what could be done about it so I didn’t bother to make a fuss. Which is of course very disempowering in itself, but it is what it is. I think I’m just resigned to the setup of the IVF clinic not meeting my wellbeing needs.

Later when I told him, the husband was raging on my behalf. He wanted to phone the clinic and tell them it wasn’t good enough and demand an appointment. He was of the view that I had put a lot of effort into thinking about exactly what I needed (date, delivery method) and booking that, and he was annoyed that I couldn’t have what was arranged. I held him off, for now.