2013-06-30

I’ve had depression before. It’s not very nice, I wouldn’t recommend it.

I’m not depressed now. I’m not numb, I can feel my feelings. My mind is clear and I can get on with my day-to-day life.

Life throws events at us and it is natural to be sad sometimes. That is normal. That’s not clinical depression. Sometimes things are just crap for a time.

When I look at my life just now I think I’m through the worst of this infertility nonsense. I think I’m coping. I can smile and pull faces at a baby on a bus, I can bounce a toddler on my knee, I can chat with people about their families. For these reasons, and because I know I’m not depressed, I assume I must be doing OK.

But there are some days when I realise I’m not doing OK. It is all just relative. Relatively good to me, but perhaps not great in the big scheme of things.

I got three weeks into these drugs before I cried, but I cried today. I cried for hours. Actually I don’t think I can attribute the crying to the hormones, I think I’m just sad. I’m really really sad that Ive not been able to have a baby, and really really frustrated that it has taken so long. I’m tired of being infertile, I can’t see any end to it, I’m sick of silly little things reminding me about it ten times a day, and I’m lonely going through all this in a world of fertile people. And this never goes away. So the worry is that feeling sad and frustrated and lonely has become normal. This is just my life. This is what I think of as ‘coping’ and ‘doing OK’. Well ‘coping’ is emotionally exhausting and sometimes the sadness leaks out.

Obviously the solution is to man up and get on with it. “Try and be positive” – yes, yes I know. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This blog is my lemonade. But to make the lemonade I need to show you the whole gorey lemon squishing process.

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