2013-06-14

I have taken folic acid every day of the year 2013 so far. You’re supposed to do so if you’re trying to get pregnant (foetal development and so on) so unsurprisingly the IVF clinic insists upon it. I really should have been taking folic acid daily for the last four years, and I did for a while but when I lost hope of conceiving naturally I stopped.

The problem with folic acid is it is just a daily kick in the teeth reminder that I’ve not been able to conceive.

And worse… you have to buy it in the pregnancy and kids section. Makes me feel crappy. When I go there to buy my inevitable folic acid top-ups I feel like I’m in the wrong department because I’m pre-pregnancy having not managed to jump the first hurdle into pregnancy yet let alone actually having kids. And I just keep having to come back due to the lack of progress in conceiving.

Urgh.

What I’m basically saying is that in going about the endless drudgery of administering my infertility I could do without the constant reminders of my failure and inadequacy as a human being.

Am I depressed, or melodramatic? I don’t mean to be either, and I don’t actually feel either, but this seems to be how people take me if I say that sort of thing.

It is either a sharp intake or breath, or a pitying “no no no, don’t say failure, you haven’t failed, don’t you dare think that.”

I’m sorry it is hard for people to hear, but it is just what I think. And how could I think otherwise? I’ve not succeeded in doing something that humans are designed to do. Despite trying. Lots. Hence, I have failed.

Worry not dear reader, the failure thing is just matter of fact for me. Semantics, perhaps. More importantly I don’t *blame* myself (or the husband) for the failure and I know there’s nothing more we can do about it than what we are doing already. But it is what it is. There is a distinct and undeniable lack of success.

And I could do without it being shoved in my face.

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