Oh, the places I would like to show you
Although I hardly know you
I’ve a funny feeling we make a perfect pair
Famous sites I want to see you seeing
Then nights of you and me
We… (What Do I Need With Love? Thoroughly Modern Millie)

My biological clock is not ticking.

Is that a weird thing to say when I’m doing IVF? It isn’t that I don’t want to have a baby. I do. But I don’t have a physical or mental compulsion to do it right now. I’m only 33. These days that’s still quite young to be having babies. Most of my friends don’t have babies. I’ve got plenty of other things to be doing in my work life and personal life. There’s no real rush. If I could be sure that I could get pregnant when I was in my late 30s I’d wait until then.

But it’s not that straightforward is it?

The longer you leave it, the less chance you have of success. Before 35 is the optimum time to be babymaking. This being the case, I’m glad I started at 30 as it has meant that I’ve got the opportunity to fit in the interminable years of infertility and eventual IVF before I am 35. Other are not so lucky. But I’m also glad I waited until 30, I wasn’t ready before then.

Maybe not being ‘desperate’ to have a baby immediately takes the edge off it, it means that I am prepared to play the long game and individual occasions of failure are less important.

If we have a few goes and fail and we decide to stop though, well that will be different. I’ll be giving up a future that I thought I could have.

  • I want to take a photo of my kid every day and post it on Blip, and then flick through and see how s/he’s changed.
  • I want to go to the water and show them how to skim stones
  • I want to bake cakes
  • I want to teach them to swim and ride a bike
  • I want to find out if they’ll be like me or the husband
  • I want to know if they’ll be academic, or practical, or musical, or artistic….
  • I want to let them be who they want to be, and give them opportunities to live their life their own way

I don’t want to have a baby, I want to have all of the future things.