2013-05-06

I feel infertile again today.

Which means I must have stopped for a while whilst I was in the ‘person doing IVF’ mindset.

I have to say I’m pleased that I managed to get 40 days into the ‘between IVFs’ period before I started to feel infertile again, but it has happened now.

I want to get pregnant but there is nothing I can do about it. I just feel hopeless and frustrated and in limbo. It is there all the time and pops up in all aspects of my life, and I can’t see around it or past it.

This sounds shit, and it is shit, but don’t worry I am used to it. I’ve felt it for a few years now but I’ve just had a few months off during the IVF when hope was temporarily restored.

It doesn’t help that I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. That’s simply self indulgent, of course I know nice things will happen over the next weeks and months. But all I see is the things I can’t do, for example I’d like to go on holiday and/or diving but I can’t. I guess I want these things more because I can’t have them. This part is worse than the standard infertility ‘nothing to look forward to’ feeling that I have experienced before as I genuinely can’t make many future plans when I don’t know exactly when key components of the imminent IVF cycle will happen and I will have places I need to be. And I don’t know whether after that I’ll be pregnant or scheduling another go at IVF in.

Ah well, not too long to go now until I see some action I hope. Around two weeks until I will be able to check in for the next cycle, although I think a few loooong weeks after that until I start on the drugs again.

I was aware when I posted my last post detailing the components of the IVF process that it seemed like a lot. But when I was in it, it felt like much less. It was easy enough to cope with it on a daily basis. This is a bit the same. Yes, it is shit. Yes, if you looked at it cold it would seem rather overwhelming but when you’re in it you quickly get used to it and you deal with it. I’m feeling sorry for myself today but I know I will just get on with things. As time goes on I won’t feel different as such, but getting used to feeling that way will take the edge off it a bit.

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