A really good thing about the IVF clinic I go to is that they offer free specialist counselling to any individual or couple going through the IVF process. I’ve not mentioned this as I have not had it while I’ve been blipping, but I have used the service. Way back last November the husband and I were deciding whether to jump the queue by paying for IVF (loooong story) and we went to the counsellor to help us make that decision, then I went along another couple of times by myself to have a talk though my feelings about infertility to date. By December we were all booked in for treatment after Christmas and I felt really positive, so I didn’t go again. As I said to the counsellor at the time I felt like I’d established the relationship so that I knew I could come along if I needed it. Actually doing the IVF was fine, I didn’t need the counselling support during that, so it has been a while since I went.

I tell you this because when I called in for my negative pregnancy test result on Wednesday they told me I could have counselling if I needed it. Later, I thought well maybe I should check in with them again. I was doing alright with the news but I felt it was likely that the wait between cycles would be hard for me (I’m better *doing* something than waiting) and that maybe I should go in for a chat just to keep things ticking over.

So the day after the negative result I phoned in for an appointment and they eventually got back to me at the end of the day. They couldn’t give me an appointment for three weeks. That was weird, I’d been able to get an appointment within a few days before.

I have to say this made me feel a wee bit nervous. What if I started to feel low and didn’t have that service there available to me? I’ve mentioned before how much effort I’ve put into staying positive and focused, and some of the success of that is down to having contingency plans in place. Quick access to counselling was one of my contingency plans. I’d always had this thought there in the back of my mind that I knew I could go to counselling if I needed to – and it seems my assumption was wrong.

Concurrently, as the dust from the bad news settled the husband and I came up with a few questions about our last cycle and how this might affect the next one, and we thought we’d speak to someone at the clinic about this. Again, during the phone call about the negative result they had said we could call with questions any time. Today the husband phoned in to the clinic several times but never got through. I guess it is technically a bank holiday today, and Monday, which means we won’t get through until Tuesday. So long away!

I’ve also been feeling weird about the negative phone call, and on reflection I think the issue is that I’d been visiting the clinic so regularly for months and then I’ve been told by phone ‘its negative, come back in three months, bye’. After that I’ve not been able to speak to them again. It is like being dumped by text or something! It feels so unexpected, so abrupt, so final.

So now it is the long Easter weekend and I feel abandoned. I don’t know the answers to my questions, if I have any other questions I can’t phone the nurse, and I have no access to specialist counselling. And that makes me anxious. I don’t need them just now, but I don’t know how this news will bed in. I always thought they were there and now I can’t be sure of that. I feel like my safety net has been taken away.