2013-03-27

6.45am – Wake up feeling nervous. There is a silent whiteness about the place so I know it has snowed overnight. Thus think I’d better get my ass into gear and set off for the hospital in case of any public transport disruption.

8.05am – Arrive at the fertility unit minutes after it opens, and already it is rammed with women. The waiting room is literally full. I think Wednesday is new intake day. I don’t have a set appointment time, I’m to arrive ‘before 9.30am’, and as it is so busy I wonder how long I will have to wait. I’m too nervous to read.

8.15am – I don’t have to wait long, I’m the second person called. Yay. I guess I’m just there for a very quick appointment today though. A nurse collects me, and luckily it is the one that is good at prising my blood from my vein. It takes a while though, it trickles out and she has to joggle the needle a bit. The nurse asks how I am (nervous) and is sympathetic, saying how hard the two week wait must be. I explain that it has been OK, not as bad as waiting to see if my eggs all died. She seems surprised, but concedes ‘I suppose we are there with them and know they are growing OK, but you don’t.’ Indeed. I say this has been OK because I know I have lots of embryos. She asks how many, and when I say seven blastocysts she says I have a good chance then. She says if it doesn’t work first time plenty of people have become pregnant from frozen blastocysts. So the test is done, and I ask what will happen next. I’m told to phone in at lunchtime for the result. It will either be a negative, an inconclusive (in which case I have to wait and see if I get my period and if not I take a blood test again next week) or it will be a positive. I ask what happens next if it is a no and she says I will be booked in for another try in a couple of months.

8.45am – I’m in the swimming pool, trying to fill the time between the test and the result. I swim 500m, breast stroke, very slowly over 15 minutes. Boring. Trying not to think about it, but it is hard.

10.25am – Home now. Spent the bus journey trying to read, and trying not to think about the test. Didn’t really work. Back much earlier than expected, and the result is much later than expected. I’d been told it would be 11am for the result, so I had planned to have the test, then swim, and be home at 11ish and call in immediately. Now I have to wait. For hours. I guess I’ll do some work.

11.45am – Oh my god, 45 minutes to go. Trying to work. Eating chocolate.

12.00 – Painting my finger nails.

12.25pm – Heart beating very fast. Need to man up.

12.27pm – Called. No answer! Aargh!

12.28pm – Ah, a response. Loooooooooooong wait while they go and get my results. Minutes. Got to be bad news?

Yes, it was bad news. I’m not pregnant.

Why? No idea, they don’t look into that sort of thing.

My initial reaction was sadness, it was just a bit overwhelming with all of the anticipation and I went to bed and cried for ten minutes. It feels so strange. Generally, it feels like I have wasted a lot of emotional energy over the last couple of months. For my body, well this morning I thought maybe my body was doing something and now I know it isn’t. My body suddenly felt empty and pointless and deflated. For my life, well suddenly the world has opened up to me again. I guess I can drink alcohol and exercise and apply for work that goes on for longer than six months and maybe even squeeze in a diving holiday. My outlook had been so narrow, making cautious plans around possibly having a baby towards the end of this year. I have so many options open to me now, and yet it isn’t a good thing. It is funny how a split second changes everything.

The husband phoned me from work soon after, and I delivered the bad news.

Seems a bit weird to do all this remotely, by phone, and then for me to have to pass it on to him. But that is the way the clinic have set it up.

The worst thing isn’t the failure of this cycle, it is that we have to wait ages for the next one. I’m terrible at waiting, this feels reminiscent of the endless infertility again, and it will be hard to keep the positive focus and the feeling of being within a process with so long in between. The nurse said to call in with my June period for a ‘soft cycle’ (I don’t know what that is, I will have to look it up). June is longer away than the timescale the nurse this morning told me, and just generally feels like such a long time to be in limbo again. I asked if it was strictly necessary to wait that long and she said I would need time to let my body get back to normal, and to relax. I told her that waiting would have the opposite effect on my relaxation. But she said I had to wait.

So. Back to normal life for a bit I suppose. Urgh.

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